ALERT: Nat'l Stay at Home Week, Not an Actual Holiday

ABC has declared last week and this week (i.e., 14 days, i.e. the longest week ever, and/or actually a fortnight) National Stay at Home Week. It's in an effort to promote their fall lineup and, apparently, endanger children from excelling academically. The school system doesn't recognise secular holidays, ABC. Don't you know if someone misses that many days of school, they're in danger of--gulp--being retained?

Well, I'm onto ABC, and I'd like to spread the news: despite your hatred for dressing in mildly defined "business casual" and your secret love for Maury Povich, this is not a real holiday.

FIVE THINGS THAT DISCREDIT THE PROMISE OF NATIONAL STAY AT HOME WEEK:
1. Staying at home, between the hours of nine and five, actually results in very little good television. The View. One Life to Live. General Hospital. Seriously? No, thanks. I quit watching 1L2L years ago, and Grey's is the new GH. Duh.

2. Yesterday was Rosh Hashanah, so everyone (Jewish) was already home. Give or take a month of Ramadan, I don't know of too many overlapping holidays.

3. ABC claims to be sponsoring the week, but most of the good shows are on other networks. Cable networks. I'm more excited about HBO's "Entourage," AMC's "Madmen," Showtime's "Dexter" and SNL's recap of the Sarah Palin interview than "Ugly Betty." Sorry, America.

4. The one good show of the whole week--yes, my lovelies, that's Grey's Anatomy--conflicts with "The Office" on NBC. And I think it comes right after "30 Rock," also on NBC, so my DVR hiccups into stupidity trying to record three programs for the 30 seconds that they usually overlap. No holiday that doesn't involve extended relatives should be this hard to program.

5. I asked my boss if I could have this new, national holiday off from work. He frowned. I don't think he, or the HR Department, has heard of the holiday.

At any rate, this faux-holiday is obviously misnamed. Other more suitable titles include:
1. National Stay-Up-Late-to-Catch-Up-on-Your-DVR Week
2. National (Jewish) Stay at Home Week
3. National Upgrade to HBO and Showtime Week
4. National And This is Why I Tivo Gossip Girl Week
5. National Just Stay at Work and Watch That Stuff Online Between Meetings Week

If you should feel so curious: click here.