MAX PAYNE

I'm on a streak here, and it's getting irritating. I feel like I haven't seen a good movie--a really good movie, not a Ricky Gervais movie--in months. But I guess I really should blame myself. Not everything free is good for you, letop5. Do prositutes pay for syphilis? And what was I expecting from this flicka anyway? Well, I wasn't expecting good. But there are bad movies...and then there's MAX PAYNE.

I read somewhere--and the source currently escapes me--that Matt Whalberg reputedly called MAX PAYNE the favorite of all the movies he has ever filmed. And I love me some Marky Mark and definitely a heap of Entourage, but if that's really what he thinks, frankly, I think he's insane.

The story was simple, to the point--which is good in an action flick: man tries to avenge wife's death by becoming a night-prowling, crime-fighting, bad-guy-killing vigilante. But the simple story was delivered so vapidly, with awful dialogue, little to no emotional depth from our lead (sorry Marky!), and--wait, what was I expecting? I'm done talking about story. But to boot, the CG effects were weak sauce Matrix re-dubs, unimpressive and oft cartoonish. So it was neither fun to listen to nor fun to watch.

I try to keep in mind that most video game-to-movie adaptations suck. Apart from TOMB RAIDER--which I'm guessing was only good because a digital femme fatale with cartoonisly perky boobs who mercilessly slays mummies WOULD effectively win the hearts of sexless male critics the world over all just itching for an interview with the leading lady)--yeah, apart from TOMB RAIDER, which I missed, I've seen the likes of MORTAL KOMBAT and DOUBLE DRAGON (yet thankfully skipped the likes of DOOM, FINAL FANTASY and STREET FIGHTER), and they were pretty awful. I know we've got RESIDENT EVIL in there, which has sustained a pretty hefty cult following, but as a whole...in general...video games should stay video games. Maaaaaaybe become graphic novels. In truth, I would say think twice before hitting the big screen, but since MAX PAYNE actually flew in at #1 this weekend, really I don't know what I'm talking about. Do I smell a sequel?

Well. I don't know how long the Payne story continues as a video game series, but personally, it's one I hope never to have to check out again.

plot: Man questions why wife died.
thought: I question why I stayed.
in five: 1.5/5

see Payne, feel payne: http://www.maxpaynethemovie.com/