AUSTRALIA

I was skeptical from day one. Baz had this whole...class on iTunes, whose title was basically, "How to Make a Movie Like Me." That somehow smacked of desperation. Look, Mr. Luhrmann. In case the multiple award noms didn't teach you, your movies are great, because no one can make them like you. If you're now making a movie that you can teach...you're making the wrong movie.

Welcome to AUSTRALIA. I'm not saying it's a bad place. I'm just saying that if, like me, you watched the previews, trailers and commercials, felt nothing special, and actually got a little grossed out by watching Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman make out...you wouldn't be wrong. Yes, it features People Magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year being so hunky it's unreal. Yes, it features letop5's Second Most Frigid Ice Queen (first is Tilda Swinton in THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE...and in real life) actually being less than arcticly arctic. And yes, it features cute children speaking bad English, which is adorable, if education isn't your thing. But sexy, warm and cute subjects do not necessarily add together to make the best cast or the best movie.

Coming in at about two hours too long, AUSTRALIA is an historic ode to the country of misfit ex-Brits circa World War II. Sexism, racial and class tension run rampant in the outback, and combating them all are Hugh and Nicole, droving 2000 heads of cattle, raising an aboriginal child and falling in love along the way. I appreciated the history, that I will say. But AUSTRALIA's story clumps along slowly as Baz tries to weave together three tales: that of Australia's aboriginal heritage, that of Australia's war-torn heritage and that of Baz Luhrmann's quest to make another movie with Nicole Kidman heritage. Every one of these stories might be worth telling but not in the same movie--and especially not in the iTunes-Hollywood bubble where Baz chose to build it. It made for a film heavy with sentimentality, predictability and bad dialogue (Nicole: "Let's go home." / Hugh: "There's no place like it."). And might I add, it made the film take far too long to end? This movie had more false endings than the third installment of LORD OF THE RINGS. Just leave Middle Earth, already! Ride to Faraway Downs before the Japanese or Gollum get here! Or at least before I fall asleep. Again.

plot: Australia's rebirth amidst social upheaval.
thought: Stay for Hugh. Only Hugh.
in five: 2.5/5

Australian epic: http://www.australiamovie.com/