SPIDERMAN 3

http://spiderman3.sonypictures.com/
PLOT : My spidey sense is...lackluster.
THOUGHT : Peter Parker, please stop crying.

Most expensive movie of all time. Biggest opening, both domestic and internationally, of all time. All the signs read yes. And I love Spiderman. I really, really love Spiderman. Childhood with two brothers, we watched all the typical shows : X-Men, Transformers, GI Joe, The Hulk, Power Rangers (though we were a little old for it), Freakazoid and Spiderman. Hence, I really, really love Spiderman. And I really, really wanted to love this movie.

I'm not going to say I didn't. It's just...I came into the theatre, that wonderful, tension-inducing score pumping in my ears, and I expected the motherload of all sequels to land on the theatre screen. And it did land...but a bit crooked. And soft. And emotional. And...dancing. There was too much dancing in this movie.

It's not like we could blame the director, like everyone did with X-MEN II. Behind the camera, Sam Raimi did his job ; the movie was beautiful. But in the script ? Did they actually write in all those dance scenes for Tobey Maguire ? (I'd like to believe that, hoping critics would say, "Now we remember the heartthrob this kid was before Peter Parker--Joaquin Phoenix, eat your heart out !" Tobey Maguire himself forced the scenes into the movie, and the Raimis hid their faces in their hands, weeping, as they signed the agreement to let him gyrate on screen as "V'Guard your virginity'enom.") They shouldn't have. And the Sandman, though a visual masterpiece, was a weak supervillain. He didn't even want to be a villain ! Oh, the humanity ! Oh...right...that's the point of the whole movie.

You may have thought you were going to the theatre to see Spiderman put on a black suit, kick everyone's butt, spit some witty lines, and then, quickly, without sucking us too far into his inner demons, fight that oft-mentioned "battle within" and change back into his classic red number to finish the show. But no. The Battle Within waged for most of the movie. And the final spat that finally put it to rest ? A spat of words, dear friends ! During which we discover, more or less, that "we all choose our destiny, and it is our responsibility to choose the path of light." What is that ? Public service message for all the kids who were planning on leaving the theatre, believeing they were really made of sand and trying to rob a bank ? Sorry. Those kids left when Peter Parker started dancing.

Some final thoughts to round this up, because I just hate to continue dissing what should have been the best superhero movie of all time.
(1) James Franco's a hottie. If James Franco hadn't been in this movie, I would have cried in every scene, just like Tobey did (waaah, Franco keeps on stealing my spotlight, waaah).
(2) Plot holes. From where did the venom come and to where did it go post-Spiderman "battle within" reconciliation ? No answers !
(3) I'm not one to say movie stars should lose weight but...Tobey MAGUIRE should lose wight. He was looking pretty chubby in this one. Didn't he used to be cute ?
(4) Tobey should also consider permanently switching vocal chords with Scarlett Johanssen.
(5) For James Franco, for Topher's fall from grace, for the Sandman visuals and J.Jonah Jameson...for, basically, the second 20 minutes of the movie and the last 20 minutes before the last 10 minutes...it's worth it. But then again, the whole thing could've been garbage, and we still would have flocked to see it. If you build it...

Overall rating : 2.5/5 (sorry, Spidey)