YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN

I'm not sure where to start on this one. I don't know where to begin. It was atrocious on a cinematic level. The jokes were tried, the story rather weak and Adam Sandler's selfish and vain attempts at physical comedy felt like Ben Stiller in ZOOLANDER meets Will Ferrell in TALLADEGA NIGHTS meets Ben Stiller in DODGEBALL meets Will FerrelL in SEMI-PRO...in other words, selfish and vain.

But on another level--the cultural one--ZOHAN was just shy of magnificent. Like seriously, I'm torn. I hated it and yet admired it. The film nerd in me cringed, laughed awkwardly, then cringed again, while the American Studies major beneath was squinting, contemplating and eating it in the whole time.

The story boasts an unlikely centerpiece: A Mossad agent (think CIA for Israel) fakes his death and escapes to America to follow out his lifelong dream of being a hair stylist for Paul Mitchell. There's a little John Turturro and Mariah Carey along the way. I knew this "plot" would be hard enough for me to completely embrace, but I still went in hopeful. But alas, the contrived set pieces made a mockery of my hope! I can't even describe them, they were so goofy. (And how many shots of Sandler's abs do I need to see in one movie? Okay, you're middle aged and not completely fat. Good for you.)

Luckily, what this film lacked in believability (and there was much lacking) it made up for in realistic--if at times over the top--cultural parodies of Israelis, Palestinians, Americans and bigots worldwide. Sandler even took a stab at Mel Gibson.

In short, his accent was pretty bad, but Sandler's constant use of contemporary language, thematic relevance and cultural empathy made the film...I won't say enjoyable...but I will say "less unbearable." And Ido Mosseri, as Zohan's buddy Oori, was great.

PLOT: imdb says, "Lather. Rinse. Save the world." I'm not messing with that.
THOUGHT: Another foreign hairdresser with 'tude.
IN FIVE: Oh man...I don't know...negative three? Or positive three?
WEBSITE: http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/youdontmesswiththezohan/