Girl's Best Friend: Worst Week Ever

They say 'sex sells.' Too bad "they" are too busy trying to sell in order to help you figure out how potentially get it. There are a few things that might increase your chances: (1) having a lovable, little dog with you while running on the beach; (2) owning a surfboard that is completely visible from your doorway despite that you live nowhere near a beach; (3) not talking about Grant Theft Auto for more than exactly three sentences. But if these things are all too hard, just try taking any average paramour with the desire to relax the brain and work other muscles out to the movie. For that endeavor, here is your weekly, one-stop guide to your girl’s best friend (and the inner girl in you).

Wait a second--where have all the chick flicks gone? This weekend's box office is nothing but fantasy, violence, and the awkward presence of mall cops as appropriate movie heroes. It looks like the girl's going to want to stay in this weekend. That could be nice...if you like dining with her parents, waiting on her friends, walking her dog or cleaning the house. You don't like these things. So what's the arm candy of a great girl with mediocre taste to do?

Get her to the movies.

If fantasy, violence or Vikings sound like options you can handle, here's how you might get her on board.

Your Options:
1. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
PLOT: Poor man's Lord of the Rings meets rich man's Twilight
THOUGHT: Probably some bad CGI, some cringing--but two hours of popcorn and vampires are still better than the girlfriend's friends.
ADVICE: Just call it 'Rise of the Lycans' when you talk about it. The 'Underworld colon' has trouble written all over it.
GET HER ON BOARD: Michael Sheen is in it! Yeah, that guy from Frost/Nixon. So who knows, it could be up for some awards. The title might be a reference to politics.

2. The Dark Knight [re-release]
PLOT: The caped crusader fights the richest criminal ever. Seriously, where did Joker get all those explosives?
THOUGHT: Um...best Batman movie ever?
ADVICE: Tell her it's the un-cut or un-rated version. Sure, it'll be exactly the same, but the damn thing is like three hours long. If she asks what scene got added, just mention 'that one in the middle when all those buses blew up.'
GET HER ON BOARD: Mention you're love for Heath Ledger and make it a theme night. You sit through A Knight's Tale with her, and she sits through the (un-cut, un-rated) Dark Knight with you. That is such an un-even trade, and it's in her favor, so how can she say no?

3. Inkheart
PLOT: Bridge to Terebithia meets The Spiderwick Chronicles meets Brendan Fraser sans mummies
THOUGHT: I don't know if you really want to see this?
ADVICE: If you do, the 'no mummies' is your selling point. Plus, if you missed those other two movies that are oddly similar to this one, you can kind of claim three birds, one stone.
GET HER ON BOARD: Doesn't she want to see some of Brendan's acting depth when mummies aren't around (but all the other stuff still is)?

4. Killshot
PLOT: A hitman movie with Mickey Rourke and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
THOUGHT: That sounds...pretty awesome.
ADVICE: It probably isn't awesome if it hasn't been marketed at all. But let's not say any of that.
GET HER ON BOARD: JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT. That should do the trick.

5. Outlander [limited]
PLOT: Vikings movie written by the same guy who wrote Underworld [colon] Rise of the Lycans...but this time, there are aliens.
THOUGHT: James Caviezel...you were in The Count of Monte Cristo...now you're in this.
GET HER ON BOARD: It's an historical love story (uh...but this time, there are aliens).

So, will you or won't you get to the movies this weekend? I'd like to hope you could complete this task--even if you don't really surf. Let me know how it goes.